Why I Don’t Want My Children to be Obedient
Society’s narrow definition of a well-behaved child revolves around obedience, but it’s time for parents to redefine this very notion.
We were leaving the dance studio where his sister had just finished her lesson when my 2-year-old had an epic meltdown. All eyes were on us as I tried to connect with him, but my usual tactics fell short. This storm was too intense, the atmosphere too crowded. Aware of the onlookers, I swiftly picked up my screaming son and hurried to the car, promising myself to address the situation later.
Reflecting back on that moment, I realize I had let my embarrassment dictate my actions instead of tapping into empathy and recognizing that tantrums are a natural part of a child’s development— nothing to be embarrassed about. Even as a positive parenting educator, I hadn’t escaped society’s conditioning to prioritize obedience and good behavior over connection and growth. I recall the same feeling of embarrassment when the woman on the airplane reprimanded me for my crying child, and again when the man at the restaurant commented on my children’s “poor behavior.” Society expects kids to be anything but kids — quiet, calm, compliant, and complacent. But that’s not who I’m raising my kids to be.
Join me as we break away from societal pressures and embrace a new outlook on childhood obedience. Together, we will redefine the concept of “well-behaved” to honor our children’s growth, uniqueness, and learning. In this blog, we will explore the many reasons that focusing on obedience is ineffective and harmful. Instead of demanding compliance, let us be the generation of parents who treasure our children and wholeheartedly embrace their development at every stage. Together, we will reshape our understanding of good behavior and redefine parenting success.
The Impact of Obedience on Life Skills Development
When children are expected to be compliant above all else, their development of crucial skills is hindered. The emphasis on obedience restricts their critical thinking and problem-solving, as they are discouraged from questioning or exploring alternatives. It can also suppress their creativity and self-expression, as they learn to conform rather than explore their own ideas and interests. This restrictive environment can impede healthy emotional regulation, as children feel the need to suppress their feelings and emotions for fear of punishment or disapproval, leading to difficulties in expressing themselves later in life. Additionally, the focus on obedience fosters a sense of dependency and external validation-seeking, undermining the development of a strong sense of self and self-confidence.
However, when we broaden our parenting goals beyond obedience, our children truly thrive. By encouraging independent thinking, we empower them to become confident and creative critical thinkers. Emphasizing open communication and active listening helps them develop strong interpersonal skills. Allowing them the freedom to explore their passions and interests enables them to discover their unique talents and strengths. Moreover, prioritizing resilience and adaptability equips them with the tools to bounce back from setbacks and embrace change. By expanding our parenting goals, we provide the foundation for our children to develop essential life skills that will serve them well throughout their lives.
It’s time we ask ourselves as parents, do we simply seek obedience from our children, or do we strive to support their growth and aspirations? I firmly stand on the side of the latter. By empowering our children to think critically, make independent decisions, and embrace their individual identities, we are setting them up for a lifetime of success and fulfillment.
The Impact of Obedience on Self-Acceptance
Parents who prioritize obedience often resort to communication and disciplinary methods aimed at gaining immediate compliance from their children. This may involve raising their voices, shaming, punishing, or using other coercive tactics. However, these approaches have a negative impact on how kids see themselves. Children absorb the belief that their value hinges on meeting external expectations, leading them to perceive only their obedient and well-behaved parts as acceptable and worthy of love. Conversely, they come to see their emotional, imperfect, and struggling sides as unacceptable and unlovable. This damaging perspective can lead to a negative self-image, causing feelings of shame, inadequacy, and low self-esteem. As a result, their emotional well-being suffers, their self-confidence erodes, and their ability to develop healthy relationships is impaired. These children grow into adults who conditionally love themselves only when they achieve success, leaving little room for self-acceptance during life’s inevitable failures and disappointments.
When we shift our focus instead towards positive discipline, we can transform our approach into a more meaningful experience for our children. Instead of resorting to controlling methods, we can lead with teaching, guidance, problem-solving, and genuine connection in mind. By prioritizing unconditional love, we create a safe and supportive environment for our kids, even during challenging moments. Through our unwavering love and empathy, we help them discover the power of self-acceptance and foster a secure attachment. They learn that making mistakes is a natural part of life, and their worth as individuals extends far beyond their achievements alone. This empowers them to embrace their entire selves — their strengths, weaknesses, and the full range of their emotions — resulting in lives that are more authentic and fulfilling.
As we move beyond the narrow concept of obedience, we pave the way for our children to find self-acceptance.
The Impact of Obedience on the Parent-Child Relationship
Parents who place a strong emphasis on obedience can inadvertently create a negative impact on their parent-child relationship. When obedience becomes the primary goal, the parent-child dynamic often becomes centered around control and compliance rather than mutual understanding and connection. This can lead to a lack of open communication and stifled emotional expression, as children feel discouraged from sharing their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. The focus on obedience can create an atmosphere of fear, where children feel pressured to meet expectations and avoid punishment or disapproval. This can result in strained relationships, a lack of trust, and diminished emotional connection between parent and child. Moreover, the child may develop feelings of resentment or rebellion as they seek autonomy and a sense of agency in their own lives.
At the same time, parents often find themselves trapped in a cycle of correction and discipline, leading to feelings of discontent. The pursuit of obedience can overshadow the joy and fulfillment that can be found in the parent-child relationship. These parents, who focus primarily on correcting behavior and enforcing rules, often find it challenging to form meaningful and positive connections with their children. In their quest for obedience, they may miss out on cherishing the precious moments of connection and growth.
When we redirect our focus away from obedience, we create a healthier, happier parent-child dynamic. By emphasizing love, understanding, and open communication, we foster an environment where our children feel safe, heard, and valued. Instead of constantly correcting and enforcing rules, we can engage in meaningful interactions that promote trust and mutual respect. This shift allows us to connect on a deeper level, nurturing our children’s emotional well-being and fostering a positive parent-child relationship. By embracing this approach, we create a foundation for a lasting and fulfilling connection with our children, one that is built on love and shared growth.
As parents, our role is not to stand above our children, but beside them through the challenges and learning experiences of life. By walking alongside our children, we create a bond that endures and shapes their future while also enhancing our own experience as parents.
The Impact of Obedience on Parental Well-Being
Focusing primarily on obedience, parents risk their own well-being. The constant pressure to enforce unrealistic behavior and maintain control can lead to feelings of discontent and overwhelm, while the negative cycle of correction and discipline leaves parents emotionally drained and disconnected. The absence of nurturing and meaningful connections with their children can leave parents feeling isolated and unfulfilled. Parents feel more stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy.
When we let go of unnecessary expectations and worries, we can concentrate on what truly matters to us as parents. This brings a sense of happiness and confidence to our role. We find joy in seeing our children grow and learn, and we cherish the moments we spend with them — even if they aren’t perfect. By adopting a more balanced and understanding approach, we experience more happiness, satisfaction, and sense of purpose as parents.
Our value as parents is not determined by our children’s obedience, but by the love, guidance, and support we offer them. When we create space for our own well-being and find fulfillment in our parenting roles, it has a positive ripple effect on our entire family.
Differentiating Obedience from Positive Behavior
Shifting our focus away from obedience doesn’t mean we overlook or tolerate unacceptable behavior. On the contrary, we believe in our children’s capacity to make positive choices that go beyond simply following our commands. We recognize that lasting behavior change stems from within, so our approach centers around guiding their understanding and fostering intrinsic motivation. Teaching them to consider the consequences of their actions and encouraging critical thinking, we instill a sense of responsibility and accountability. In doing so, we equip them with the skills needed to to navigate decision-making thoughtfully and responsibly throughout their lives.
Our aim is to raise children who not only abide by rules and expectations but who internalize positive behaviors as part of their character. We seek to empower them to become compassionate and responsible individuals who possess an understanding of their actions and actively choose to do what is right.
Our goal is to raise children who choose good behavior rather than children who are forced to behave.
Shifting Perspectives: Rethinking Parenting Success from Within
So, how can we change our perspective? It starts with a conscious decision. Let’s choose to allow our kids to act like kids, embracing their imperfections, and meeting them wherever they are in their development with love, respect, and admiration.
When our kids are loud at a restaurant, let’s resist the pressure to silence them and instead enjoy the family time. When our child has a tantrum in a public place, let’s reject the instinct to feel embarrassed and instead feel proud that our child feels safe and comfortable expressing themselves. When our kid cries on an airplane, let’s focus on their needs instead of the needs of those around us. Let’s align our parenting to our values and not to society’s expectations. Above all, let’s decide that well-behaved isn’t a synonym for obedient. Well-behaved looks different for every child, and that is truly beautiful.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. How do you relate to the concept of obedience, and would you like to see a shift in your approach? Feel free to share your experiences and insights in the comments below.
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